{"id":1227,"date":"2017-06-22T22:26:14","date_gmt":"2017-06-23T02:26:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.ams.org\/mathmentoringnetwork\/?p=1227"},"modified":"2018-04-16T15:35:47","modified_gmt":"2018-04-16T19:35:47","slug":"the-four-parts-of-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.ams.org\/mathmentoringnetwork\/2017\/06\/22\/the-four-parts-of-no\/","title":{"rendered":"The Four Parts of No"},"content":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Courtney R. Gibbons, Hamilton College<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m sure you, like me, have way too much going on.\u00a0 And I’m sure you, like me, are asked to take on even more.\u00a0 Some of these projects are fun.\u00a0 Some of them align with your long-term interests.\u00a0 Some of them are even better than all of the stuff on your plate put together.\u00a0 Even if the opportunity is great, you may still want or need to say “No.” \u00a0I trust that you have either a good innate sense of when to say no or a mentor who will help you decide.\u00a0 What I would like to offer you today is a guide to the four things that I put into my no response: Appreciation, No, Explanation, Request.<\/p>\n

Here’s a quick example, and then I’ll say a little more about each part.<\/p>\n

Dear Courtney,
\nWe would love it if you organized a session for our research program at the Joint Math Meetings.\u00a0 What do you say?
\nSincerely, Research Program Organizer<\/p>\n

Dear Research Program Organizer,
\nWow! Thanks for thinking of me as a potential organizer.\u00a0 Unfortunately, I have to say no.\u00a0 Although it would be fun to do this, when I look at my CV, I realize I should be actively pursuing opportunities to speak in sessions, not organize them.\u00a0 Here are some people I think would do a great job and might find it valuable for their professional development: (name, name, name).
\nBest,
\nCourtney<\/p>\n

1. Appreciation<\/strong>
\nWhen I read a request, I usually have to get my brain to switch out of cynic mode.\u00a0 Figuring out how to start off a message with appreciation helps me to do this.\u00a0 After all, someone asked me — me?! — to do something, and it’s mentally helpful for me to assume it’s because they think I’ll do it well.\u00a0 I like to start off by recognizing this.<\/p>\n

2. No<\/strong>
\nThis part should be easy: say no.\u00a0 Flavors of “No” that I like range from “Hell no!” to “Not yet” to “Yes, but” — here are some examples.
\n“That doesn’t align with my goals, so I must decline.”
\n“It’s tempting, but not yet.”
\n“I want to do this, but here are some obstacles.”
\nIn my response, these sentences are followed by an explanation, but I try to make it clear right here whether the I want the person sending the request to help me problem solve so that I can say “Yes” instead.<\/p>\n

3. Explanation<\/strong>
\nHere is the most important part of the message based on my experience so far.\u00a0 As honestly as possible, I give my reasons:
\n“I have bronchitis.”
\n“I can’t justify taking on a service role right now without a payoff in terms of compensation, professional development, or work that counts toward tenure.”
\nI try to make sure that I am honest so that if someone does find a way to respond constructively to my explanation (“But this is instant-tenure, didn’t you know?”), it does change my answer from no to yes.\u00a0 If you haven’t had the experience of coming up with a great excuse only to have it artfully handled, trust me, it stinks.\u00a0 Another benefit is that, if your explanation is, “I should be speaking in research sessions,” the person you emailed may try to help you with that!<\/p>\n

4. Request<\/strong>
\nI know it sounds weird to answer a request with a request.\u00a0 I have found that it’s helpful to give the asker something to do after reading your email.\u00a0 Do you want to participate, but can’t afford to get to the conference? Ask for help to solve this problem.\u00a0 Do you not want to do this? If you know of others who would benefit from saying yes to the request, suggest them (I like to ask for permission, first, though). Are you unsure if this is a good career move for you? Suggest that the asker talk to your department chair or someone else who acts as a gatekeeper for your time. Ideally, this gives the asker a next step that isn’t just “get Courtney to say yes.”<\/p>\n

So there you have it — that’s how I say no to requests.\u00a0 I’m happy to trade advice in the comments!<\/p>\n

<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By\u00a0Courtney R. Gibbons, Hamilton College I’m sure you, like me, have way too much going on.\u00a0 And I’m sure you, like me, are asked to take on even more.\u00a0 Some of these projects are fun.\u00a0 Some of them align with … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

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